Life in the Mortal Realms is beset by strife at all times, but the good people – and the bad – of these embattled lands still find time for companionship. Some might even say that matters of the heart are a peril as fierce as any Kharadron bombardment or rampaging wild spell.
As the premier periodical* for both Aqshy and Ghyran, the Hammerhal Herald often receives letters concerning the romantic ructions of its readership. We have turned the thorniest of these over to our resident Agony Aunt, Sylvastra, who has taken time from her heart-wrenching schedule as a priestess of Khaine to plunge a sacrificial knife into your problems and rip the still-beating solution from your chest.
Dearest Agony Aunt,
My soul has been torn asunder! What was once a fairytale romance has turned into a nightmare. My dearest Ferlain has transformed from a kind and thoughtful lover into a snarling beast. At times I see some faint glimmer of the person he once was, but now every caress touches only matted, stinking fur. It feels a lifetime since my beloved last graced me with a gentle word. Even the primal magic of Ghur and taboo necromantic arts have failed to restore my love!
In my darkest hour I turn to to you,
Zondara Rivenheart
Any relationship is a shared effort, and your paramour is clearly taking you for granted if he’s not even keeping up with basic grooming standards – which, as you’re not an aelf, are already shockingly low. No amount of forbidden magic will fix that.
It also seems that he’s reluctant to communicate – a common issue for relationships that have entered a rut. If you’re still set on him, why not try a change of scenery to revive the excitement that’s clearly drained out of your love life? I hear Bjarl is lovely this time of year. You could try touring its famous Deathgorge, and bond over plundering a few frozen souvenirs.
In the meantime, it may help to reinforce his more positive behaviours… whatever they are. Have you tried telling him when he’s been a good boy?
Oi, Aguny Arnt,
Me and da lads was smashin’ an bashin’ our way round Ghur when we ran into some proppa scaley lads. Fightin’ dat lot was BRILLIANT! Problem is, we came back for round two, and got nuffin’! Why don’t da lizard-lads wanna keep fightin’ after we had such a good time smashin’ each other’s skulls in? We’ve tried hollerin’ and throwin’ rocks, an all dat traditional stuff, but they just stomp back into da jungle an’ hiss at us, or fly off in big shiny temples. What’s a boy gotta do for a big brawl?
Diktated, not red,
Krumped in da Heart
It’s not you, it’s them! This is a classic mismatch of expectations. You were looking for a long, gruelling conflict, perhaps even a full campaign, but these Seraphon clearly thought they were in for nothing more than a casual skirmish. For the saurus, fighting is just a cold-blooded duty, whereas for you orruks, it’s a way of life.
You deserve to find someone whose priorities are aligned with yours. Perhaps you could spark an eternal grudge with a Fyreslayer magmahold, or kick off an endless war against a lonely Bloodbound tribe?
Dear Matriarch of Supreme Anguish,
I have found the one for me, a soul of terrible fury and fathomless wrath. We clashed in the slaughter-pits of Red Ruin, and their bloodlust, their relish for combat, their sheer athleticism – it snatched the still-beating heart from my chest. Their full-throated roars of triumph still ring in my ears… yet I worry that they found my prowess in the arena lacking. I have taken many skulls for Khorne, but now I fear I may lose my head in this battle for the heart.
May the blood of your adversaries flow freely,
Hearts for the Heart God
Speaking as someone with decades of pit-fighting experience, it takes more than passion – specifically anger, in your case – to really perform. As a lowly human, you’ll never achieve true mastery over the elegant art of aggression, a height reserved for the aelven disciples of Khaine. Still, that’s no reason to leave your partner unsatisfied. Hone your skills with dedicated sparring, and bring them to their knees! Or more likely, perish in the attempt.
If you feel truly unable to steal your intended’s heart directly, perhaps you can win them over by offering someone else’s? Freshly plucked, of course.
You can help solve at least one of these romantic issues by pre-ordering Zondara’s Gravebreakers when they are available – we'll have more news of their quest into the Deathgorge soon on Warhammer Community. Make sure to keep an eye out on Warhammer Community for the date, and all future updates of conflicts – including those of the heart.
* When the Warhammer Community needs one to exist at least.
